It’s Not Just About The Past. Reclaiming and healing the wounded inner child is not just about healing the child of the past. The inner child needs to be seen, heard, and loved every moment of the day. If the child doesn’t feel loved in the present, then inner child work won’t create a real change. The goal here is to become the loving parent you always wanted every moment of the day.
This is where conscious self-reparenting comes.
Conscious self-reparenting is about developing a loving relationship between our Adult and our Inner Child. This is when you validate and take your feelings into account when taking action. Without that connection, you’ll find yourself acting without regard for your feelings, or taking action that is opposed to what you feel, or take no action in response to your feelings. This only leads to self-sabotage and inner conflict.
The Inner child is the right-brain, emotional, creative, subconscious mind.
It is the aspect of our personality that is vulnerable and feelings-oriented. It is our “gut” instinct. The psychologist Carl Jung (1875-1961) is the first to have coined the term “inner child.” The right brain is largely formed by experiences in the first five years of life and is the part of our brain that is responsible for our emotions. That’s why we call it the inner child.
In popular psychology, the inner child personality is subordinate to the conscious mind, yet influences this mind. The influence is negative when the inner child is traumatized or wounded. “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung
The Inner Adult is the left-brain, logical, analytical, conscious mind. It’s the part that has collected knowledge through our life. Whereas the inner child is the part of us that is feeling and being, the inner adult is the part of us that is thought and action. Just as it is in a family, it is the Adult’s job to take action on behalf of our Inner Child. Conscious reparenting is when the adult takes a loving action – one that takes into account how the inner child feels.
The author Marion Woodman said, “Children who are not loved in their very beingness do not know how to love themselves. As adults, they have to learn to nourish, to mother their own lost child.” Learning how parent your inner child happens in stages. In other words, we grow into the job through instinct and increased awareness.
Become curious about your child part by asking yourself the following questions:
Then, you want to ask the inner child: how can I validate and reassure you? Describing your inner child helps you feel empathy and compassion toward the child, while validating his or her experience, as you “see” the child as innocent. Try not to ask the inner child “What happened to you at this age?”, instead ask him or her “What kind of things has this child experienced?” as to not trigger implicit reliving.
The purpose of this exercise is to Affirm and love your Inner Child.
As a child you needed to hear the words that follow. Imagine yourself hearing the following statements alternately from a male voice and a female voice:
You can also create your own affirmative messages by asking your inner child what messages he/she wants to hear.
The following are some examples:
Mean, cold, indifferent, domineering, overprotective, very strict, inconsistent, unpredictable, self-centered, moody, pretentious, arrogant, not very empathetic, loud, aggressive, sadistic.
A child who witnessed his/her parent as overwhelmed most of the time, may internalize the message that they’re a burden.
To uncover your negative beliefs you can use the following formula:
What follows are some examples of beliefs
Try to create a distance between the belief and yourself.
Instead of saying, “I feel inadequate,” say to yourself, “The wounded inner child within me feels inadequate.” Notice the thought without labeling it as good or bad, right or wrong.This will help you see your thoughts as what they really are – thoughts.
The more we fight against ourselves, the more suffering we inflict on ourselves. However, self-acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like everything about yourself. Self-acceptance means acknowledging what there is—the good and the bad, the strengths and the limitations. It’s only when you acknowledge these limitations that you can work on them, if you choose to do so.
Feeling your painful emotions is a form of self-soothing that will help you reduce the intensity of those emotions.
The more your wounded child feels seen, accepted, and understood, the calmer he/she will become.
Understanding your wounded child’s perspective will help you separate your inner adult from the wounded child’s perception, allowing you more freedom in your decisions and actions.
Allow the inner child to describe the problem and express his/her feelings and thoughts about this problem.
If you have a problem saying no to someone, you may discover that you’re not trying to be polite and that it’s the wounded child’s fear of rejection that’s preventing you from asserting yourself.
You can do this exercise in writing, using different pens for the wounded child and the inner adult.
In this exercise, you’re going to communicate with your inner child using both hands.
Here is how to do it:
Then change your pen over to the opposite hand and write your response on the opposite page.
If you’re left-handed, simply reverse all the above directions.
Guidelines:
Keep a non-judgmental, compassionate attitude as you do this and allow yourself to take as much time as you need.
Avoid logical or “why” questions that would distress a small child.
Expressive art therapy is incredibly healing because it can go to the parts of the brain in the limbic system that words don’t. (*)
This is mainly because language is connected to the left side of the brain, whereas emotions are stored in the right side of the brain.
If the inner child is angry, sad or frightened, withhold judgment and welcome him/her and his/her authentic feelings.
For example, you may use the color red or orange to show burning sensation.
To heal your wounded child, you’ll need a strong, resilient inner adult who understands that the negative beliefs are simply the result of childhood influences and who can challenge those negative beliefs.
Here is a list of facts and arguments to use along the way:
Choose a negative belief from the list you uncovered previously and try challenging that belief.
You may find it helpful to answer the following questions as you challenge your beliefs:
Allow yourself to feel compassion towards the inner child:
For example, you might say “Mom was always overwhelmed. You tried not to be a burden. You thought ‘I am a burden,’ ‘I am not good enough.’ But you could never, nor was it your responsibility to make Mom happy.”
Addressing your wounded child, try using a child’s vocabulary, as if you’re talking to a real child. Words like “depressed” could be replaced with words like “sad,” or, “upset.”
You can say something like “Mom and Dad had made some mistakes. Had they not been so overwhelmed, you would have realized that you’re good enough and loved just the way you are. If you were a burden sometimes, that is okay – it’s the way children are. It’s the parents’ responsibility to take care of and meet their children’s needs.”
Mirror exercise helps you directly connect with and talk to your inner child. It’s also a powerful way to affirm your inner child.
Other things you can say are:
“It’s okay sweetheart, I’m here”
“I care about you”
“I hear you”
“Your emotions are valid”
“Your emotions are welcomed here”
“It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling”
“What is on your mind? I’m here to listen”.
When a child is afraid to go to school on the first day, the adult won’t let the child stay at home and will instead hold their hand and help them adapt.
You can approach your inner child in the same way: allow it to express itself, but ultimately, you’re the one making the rational decisions.
When you catch yourself governed by your wounded child, believing everything you think and feel, try to switch back to your adult self and work on comforting the wounded child with soothing words and touch.
Get back in touch with your current reality, in which you are an adult dealing with people who are not your mom and dad.
The more you practice being attentive to yourself, the faster you’ll become at catching yourself when you retreat to your wounded inner child.
You can use your imagination to amplify the positive, bonding ones.
Reflect on memories from your childhood you experienced with your parents that were nice, warm, and loving.
Allow yourself to feel that sense of warmth, connection, and security.
If you can’t think of positive memories you’ve shared with your parents, try picking out imaginary parents, whether they are real people or imaginary figures.
Imagine the parents you wished you had. Close your eyes and visualize the child you were back then being cared for and loved by those loving parents.
Allow yourself to feel the connection and security with your new parents.
Try to think of positive beliefs you adopted from your parents.
Write down positive traits they had and things they did right.
If you’d rather not include your parents because your relationship with them is or was difficult, you may skip this part of the exercise.
You can also think of other adults in your life: a loving grandma, a kind teacher or neighbor who showed you understanding and support as a child.
Here’s a list of some positive beliefs:
Once you identified a set of positive beliefs, go back to your list of negative beliefs and try to turn these into positives.
For example, the belief that “I’m inadequate,” can become, “I’m good enough.” The belief that “I’m worthless,” becomes, “I’m valuable.”
Don’t include a negative like “not,” in your positive beliefs.
This is because our subconscious can’t to tell the difference between “I’m inadequate,” and “I’m not inadequate,” for example.
It is hard not to think of something. When I say, “Don’t think of a pink elephant,” you’ll automatically start thinking of one.
Make your positive beliefs reasonable. Add words like “enough” or narrow the belief down: A belief like “I’m worthless,” is better turned into, “I’m worthy enough.” A belief like “I’m not important,” is better turned into, “I’m important to my partner and children.”
Studies show that the mind does not differentiate between reality and imagination. For instance, imagining an anxiety-provoking situation, such as an upcoming job interview can be as anxiety-provoking as going for the real interview. This is good news because you can use imagination to rewrite painful past memories.
Try to remember an incident that doesn’t trigger debilitating feelings, as to overwhelm you and try not to immerse yourself fully in it.
For example, if your mother abused you physically, it’s enough to imagine her raising her hand and stop there.
Use an anchor to help you stay present, such as your breath, or simply leave your eyes open and focus on an object in front of you while you revisit the incident.
Visualize the inner child standing in front of you and think about all the loving things you wish to tell him or her.
You might find it helpful to look at a childhood picture while you do so.
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