Introduction
I found it madness to see that A 2022 survey showed that 50% of people would definitely or probably describe themselves as people-pleasers.
It’s natural to want to make others happy. But if you never put yourself first, you start to neglect your own well-being.
If you spend your life pleasing others, you spend your life.
Are you always focused on making people happy? Do you often do things to avoid conflict? If you answered yes to these, then listen in, as I am going to teach you powerful ways how to stop being a people-pleaser but still be nice.
What is a people pleaser
A formal definition of a people pleaser is:
“a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires”
To put it simply, a people-pleaser is someone hungry for others’ approval and is afraid of rejection and conflict.
A chronic people-pleaser will go out of their way to make people happy even if it’s detrimental to their own well-being.
people pleasers want everyone around them to be happy… and they will do whatever it takes to keep them that way.
For some, saying ‘yes’ is a habit.
People-pleasing is a frustrating and exhausting cycle as you keep giving of yourself without getting much in return.
People-pleasing is an unhealthy behavior, a clear sign of low self-esteem. It is disempowering, inauthentic, and extremely time- and energy-consuming.
Signs you are a people pleaser
You say sorry. A lot.
You say “yes” to requests or events that you don’t want to go to and have no interest in.
You avoid conflict at all costs.
You’re preoccupied with what others think about you.
You give too much of yourself too soon.
You’re terrified about people being mad at you and get anxious over it.
You tend to act the same way other people around you are acting. For example, feeling pressured to drink because everyone else is so you cave in.
You take care of others’ needs before your own, which leaves you feeling overworked and exhausted.
What causes people-pleasing?
Past experiences
Insecurity
Poor self-esteem
Perfectionism
Childhood trauma
How to stop being a people pleaser but still be nice
To be clear, wanting to please others, seeing people happy and building connections are all beautiful things.
It’s the habit of people-pleasing and obsessing over keeping others happy that isn’t healthy and emotionally draining.
But you can start to improve your people-pleasing ways by taking simple steps to become more assertive (in a respectful way) and setting better limits for yourself.
Let’s dive into these powerful strategies for how to stop being a people-pleaser.
- No Is Not a Curse Word.
When you’re a people-pleaser, saying no is difficult if not next to impossible. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and you fear they may become upset or might reject you.
But being comfortable with saying no is an essential step in gaining control over a people-pleasing habit. Remember that “No” is not a curse word.
You can practice with small steps such as politely declining over a text message.
If it’s a situation with someone you care about and want to help, you can also offer alternatives instead of an outright no.
There’s power in saying no, but it can be uncomfortable.
Pro Tip from Tony Robbins:
“In the end, remember, it’s your right to say no. It doesn’t mean you’re exercising some sort of immutable ego trip. It means you’re saying “no” because the proposed ask doesn’t suit your schedule or beliefs – and that’s okay.”
- Healthy Boundaries Are Like Bodyguards.
We teach people how to treat us by deciding what we will and won’t accept.
Personal boundaries are limits and rules we set for ourselves. It’s not always easy, but being assertive when necessary lets others know your needs matter and that you value and love yourself. Ultimately, you have to teach others how to treat you.
Setting clear personal boundaries is an essential step to stop being a chronic people-pleaser.
If, however, you struggle with having healthy boundaries in a relationship, this can lead to many negative impacts.
- Loose boundaries lead to burnout–and a loss of identity.
- They lead to disconnected relationships
- Loose boundaries also lead to higher levels of resentment.
Creating those boundaries will help build respectful relationships and protect you from unhealthy ones. When you have healthy boundaries, you’re much less likely to obsess over pleasing others and are more comfortable saying no.
Setting boundaries might look selfish to the outer world. In reality, it is a form of self-respect, self-love, and self-care.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
- Putting Your Needs First Makes You Less Selfish.
We all have commitments and unique needs to take care of, and chronic people-pleasing can get in the way of those priorities.
When we do make time for our wants and needs, we are more alive to the world around us, more available, and more giving of our fullest selves. In effect, we are our least selfish, while still honoring our sense of self.
Do your best to protect your needs, and when people make requests of you, first pause before agreeing. Then you can think about what you have going on and prioritize important personal needs that you can’t just drop.
Be mindful of not compromising your personal values to please other people. Not staying true to who you are makes you feel awful and in the long run can damage your integrity, which is never worth it. For example being pressured into drinking, staying up late etc.
- Affirm Your Love For Yourself.
The act of intentionally choosing to be kind and love yourself is a powerful tool in boosting confidence and also helps break the habit of people-pleasing.
Research has clearly proven that being kind to ourselves and practicing self-compassion improves our overall well-being.
People-pleasing is based on satisfying someone else’s needs and being hungry for their approval. It’s essentially the opposite of self-love.
You’re not practicing self-love or self-compassion when you obsess over making others happy while you overlook your own needs or commitments.
When you focus on pleasing yourself first, you’ll feel better about yourself and be less likely to want to please everyone around you.
If you also feel like wearing a mask when among people, I want you to know it is okay to be you. Your perfect imperfections make you special and unique.
Be your own kind of beauty. Stay true to your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and emotions. Live your own life, with no apologies and no regrets.
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Become your own best friend.
For my happiness, I’m in charge. I stopped expecting others to make me happy and to fulfill my needs and desires.
I’ve made myself a priority in my own life. I engage in activities that bring me joy. I do more things for my heart and soul. This way, I create happiness from the inside out instead of chasing it through other people.
Loving ourselves as a whole—mind, body, and soul—is not selfish; it is necessary. Being loved is a human need. However, being needy is something different. I came to understand that people who are taking good care of themselves are less dependent on the approval of others.
You can never feel lonely when you like the person you’re alone with.
- Say Goodbye to Insincere ‘Sorry’s.
Over-apologizing can become self-destructive, signifying excessive self-doubt or making the apologies appear insincere.
Being humble and apologizing is amazing when you’re genuinely sorry or have something legitimate to be apologetic for.
However, apologizing to smooth things over or make others feel comfortable is emotionally draining and a toxic habit.
Over-apologizing can also undermine your authority.
- Take Your Time to Respond. Remember, You Always Have a Choice.
There is power in taking a pause and thinking before you have those quick reactions.
Instead, take time to give the request proper thought. You can say things such as:
“Let me think about that.”
“I’m busy now and will get back to you later.”
Also, remember you always have a choice to say yes or no.
This may be easier said than done, especially when it comes to family and friends but it’s doable.
When you keep doing things out of perceived obligation or thinking, you have no choice; you’ll start feeling resentful and emotionally drained.
When you say Yes to others, make sure you are not saying No to yourself.”
- Face Your Fears Around Anger and Rejection.
No one wants to have someone angry at them or be rejected. These are hurtful and stressful feelings to deal with. The pain of being excluded is similar to the pain of physical injury.
Being overly concerned and fearful of people being upset or rejecting can be paralyzing.
It can be scary, but once you begin to face those fears, you’ll begin to build more confidence in this area.
To help, try techniques such as:
- Journaling
- Practicing positive self-affirmations to build your confidence
- Rejecting negative self-talk and replacing it with self-compassion
Learning to face these fears is an essential step of how to stop being a chronic people-pleaser. The more you try to avoid conflict or protect yourself from rejection, the worse your fear around it will become.
Avoidance might give you some temporary relief, but it’s not a helpful strategy or solution in the long run.
Some people may not like it when you say no, especially if they’re used to you always agreeing. As you build up courage, start with small things for practice and then work up the confidence to say no to the bigger things. It’s possible to respectfully give an assertive response without being rude.
- You can’t make everyone happy and thats okay!
You’ll never be able to please everyone. It’s impossible. That’s perfectly OK!
Some people are not worth your time. It’s better to move on from toxic people rather than try to keep their anger at bay.
If someone likes you only when you’re doing something for them or it’s convenient, those are not the people you want to keep in your circle.
You cannot please everyone, no matter how much you might try. Other people’s opinions of you are nothing but perception, filtered through their own lenses, expectations, or system of belief. Know you are worthy, not because others think so, but because you decide to believe it.
“When I seek your approval, I don’t approve of the me that’s seeking the approval.” ~ Byron Katie
Conclusion
The most powerful fix when it comes to how to stop being a people-pleaser is showing yourself kindness.That mindset shift is life-changing, and the best part is that it doesn’t cost a thing.
Self-compassion is my personal mantra and has been the answer to many of my struggles.
When you’re focused on everyone else’s needs and are worried about ruffling feathers, this is where the danger lies. If you struggle with some of the points above, do your best to start making changes to protect yourself and your emotional well-being.
So start small and try some of these strategies on how to stop being a people-pleaser. Then you’ll begin the process of moving away from this unhealthy habit to living with more joy by showing yourself grace and more kindness.