You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with.
Meaning?
If we spend time with positive, like-minded people, we are more likely to become happy and successful ourselves. On the other hand, if we spend time with negative people, who are always criticising and complaining, we are more likely to find ourselves feeling down and unhappy.
We all know how important it is to have a place that provides us with a sense of belonging in life. We always surround ourselves with people that make us feel that we belong somewhere. But what’s more important than that is the people that we choose to be with.
A lot of times we may not be aware of it, but the people that we spend most of our time with have a lot of influence on our life. And, that influence could be our greatest source of strength or our greatest source of weakness.
Because we become more of the people we spend most of our time with. That’s the exact reason why it is so important to surround ourselves with the right people.
The people that we spend most of our time with, influence the way we think, speak and act. They influence our habits, mindset, and belief system.
Some bring out the best in us and some others destroy the best in us. In other words, some become our limitations and some others push us beyond our limitations.
Reasons Why You Are Who You Surround Yourself With
#1: We’re Hard-Wired To Fit In
Let’s rewind to somewhere around 20,000 years ago and throw it back to our hunter-gatherer days. Back then, we lived in small tribes in order to survive. Due to limited resources and the variety of dangerous predators that roamed the earth, being rejected or ostracized from the tribe was practically a death sentence. You simply could not survive without your tribe in those days. Everyone within the tribe recognized this reality, and it promoted obedience. If you didn’t fit in with everyone else, you were going to lose your life — it really was that simple. Today’s world doesn’t present us with the same dilemma, but our primal survival instincts are still alive and well. Even though rejection doesn’t equate to death anymore, we still fear it greatly. We crave acceptance and social belonging, and rejection is a direct threat to these two things. Sometimes, we even adjust our values and worldview to feel like we belong. If you’ve ever found yourself agreeing with someone you don’t really agree with, or saying something out of character to gain acceptance from a certain group, you have your natural survival insects to blame.
#2: Attitudes Are Contagious
Another reason why you are who you surround yourself with is because attitudes are contagious. If you’re surrounded by people who are motivated and hungry to live a better life, you’ll be more likely to follow the crowd and live life more intentionally. If you’re surrounded by people with low self-esteem who don’t believe they can change who they are, you’ll unconsciously start believing the same thing. Not because you want to, but because you have to in order to “survive.” We want to feel like we belong in this world, and friendships help us achieve that sense of belonging. We feed off each other’s energy, goals, and even differences because that sense of connection is necessary for our survival. When it’s working for you, that’s a beautiful phenomenon. However, when it’s working against you, you can turn angry, bitter, and resentful about your friends and who they are turning you into.
#3: We Need Our Identity Supported
A lot of us identify with certain traits like being a film fanatic, a clean-eater, a fitness freak, a productivity machine, etc. These are all characteristics that make up our personal identity. However, we also have another form of identity, called our social identity. While our personal identity is about our habits and routines, our social identity is our sense of who we are based on the groups/factions we associate ourselves with — religions, clubs, ethnic groups, mothers/fathers, etc. One study conducted on a college campus showed that social identity support is the biggest predictor of whether or not two people become very close friends.
In simpler terms, best friends were often part of the same crowd. They were members of the same gym, teammates on a tennis team, members of the same fraternity, etc. We choose to be friends with these people because they reaffirm who we are. Whether this is a good or bad thing is dependent upon one factor — whether or not you feel good about who you are.
If you don’t, then you’re likely to keep choosing friends who re-affirm and uphold traits you’d rather not have. If you do feel good about who you are, then your self-esteem and inner happiness will rise as your social circle accentuates those characteristics.
6 Reasons You Are Who You Surround Yourself With
- How others treat you affects your self-esteem
Whether we realize it or not, what other people say and how they treat us has an impact on the way we feel about ourselves.
For example, if you have a friend who always criticizes you or makes condescending remarks, at some point you may start to question yourself.
Why do I always do everything wrong? Why am I that incapable?
Even when you are a grownup, the presence of judgmental and disrespectful people can take a toll on your self-esteem. That’s one of the reasons why you need to be careful about who you surround yourself with.
Studies demonstrate the link between verbal abuse and damaged self-worth. At the same time, supportive connections with others are associated with improved self-esteem.
- What you discuss with those around you matters for your growth
What do you typically talk about with your friends? It’s more important than you think. The conversations you have with others have a huge effect on your personal growth.
Say that you hang out with people who only talk about gossip and day-to-day stuff. Do you learn anything from them? Do their words make you think? Does what you discuss today have any impact on the person you will become in five years?
Not really. Such conversations aim only to kill your time. People who love gossip and pointless chitchat don’t bring any quality to your life. You don’t learn, think, or grow in their company.
On the contrary, when your friends talk about life, the world, and other deeper topics, they give you food for thought. You may not agree on everything, but it’s certain that your friends’ ideas will make you think.
Surrounding yourself with people who think deeply about life, therefore, gives a boost to your own personal growth. Moreover, one study found the link between meaningful conversations and greater life satisfaction.
- Other people’s emotional states affect your mood
Empathy is in our nature. Whether we want it or not, the energy other people give off has a great impact on the way we feel. When I say energy, I’m talking about a person’s emotional state and overall attitude.
We all have met people who bring others down. This may be someone who is too negative or bitter. Maybe they complain all the time, start arguments out of nothing, or always find a nasty thing to say.
Whatever it is, it affects us emotionally. When you surround yourself with people who thrive on bitterness, anger, or misery, their negative emotions have the power to alter your mood. Emotions are contagious, and studies confirm it.
That’s why you feel dull after talking to that friend who always complains about something. And that’s the reason you feel annoyed with everyone after dealing with that high-conflict person at work.
The fact that emotions are contagious is one of the key reasons you are who you surround yourself with.
- Some people fill you with energy, others drain you
You may have noticed that hanging out with different people has a different effect on your energy levels.
When you enjoy someone’s company, have fun, and make engaging conversations, you feel a boost of energy. The same happens when you spend time with positive and easygoing friends, especially when you share a deep connection. You can be yourself, so you feel relaxed and happy.
On the contrary, the presence of someone else may feel draining. For example, this can be due to the fact that this person talks about themselves all the time, acts pushy, or speaks ill of others. You feel empty after spending time with them.
Therefore, the people around you either boost or waste your energy resources. That’s one more reason to be selective about your social connections.
- You unintentionally pick up others’ habits, behaviors, and traits
Just as other people’s emotions are contagious, so are their behaviors and habits. Research demonstrates this. For example, one study found that unhealthy behaviors spread in a similar way to infectious diseases!
Once again, the reason lies in empathy and our natural need for belonging. We pick up others’ behaviors and habits because we are wired to want to be a part of a group. So, we blend in with our peers by mimicking their ways of doing things.
In psychology, it’s called the chameleon effect, and it happens subconsciously. Now you understand why you are who you surround yourself with!
- Others’ opinions and values have an impact on what you believe
Studies show that friendships have the power to alter your political beliefs. It happens through conversations—if you don’t have a solid opinion about a topic, you tend to agree with your friend who has a deeper knowledge of it.
As a result, you may unconsciously adopt their opinion. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not.
It’s great when your friends make you reconsider certain things you thought were set in stone. In essence, they make you familiar with an alternative point of view. This promotes open-mindedness and big picture thinking.
But sometimes other people impose their views on you. If you are a naturally suggestible person, you may adopt their opinion without giving it much thought. That’s why it’s important to be picky about the people you surround yourself with.
What Kind Of People Should You Surround Yourself With?
Now that you know why you are who you surround yourself with, the next logical question to ask is — “Well what kind of people should I begin to associate with?”
The simple answer would be to find people more successful than you. And that’d be a good place to start, but it’s not really the full picture.
Here’s a better strategy — find people who embody the changes you want to make to your character.
Just because someone is successful, doesn’t mean they’re going to fit that description.
Your circle should reflect the traits and values that you want to possess. So start thinking about the top 2-3 changes that you’re looking to make over the next 12 months.
Want to become happier? Want to start working out and making health a priority? Want to become more productive? Figure out which of these changes are the most important to you. Once you pinpoint exactly what you want to change about your personality, you now know exactly what to look for when befriending other people. And as you spend more time with people who have the traits you want, fitting in will become an asset and not a liability.
How To Surround Yourself With Better People
We’ve talked a lot about the philosophy that you are who you surround yourself with, now here are a few practical ways to make that philosophy work for you.
#1: Location, Location, Location
Think about the type of people that you want to start befriending — where do they typically hang out? It’d be a good idea to start spending time in those places to improve your chances of coming across them. If you want to start making friends who take fitness seriously, then start spending time in parks where people run, or join a popular gym in your area. If you want to improve your social skills and want to meet people who are socially adept, then start going to popular attractions like bars, clubs, shows, and concerts on weekends. At these venues, you’ll typically meet people who are more on the social side given that they’re out and about on Friday/Saturday nights. When you yourself in the best possible position to meet your tribe, opportunities will follow as long as you’re persistent enough.
#2: Show Some Courage
Let’s face it — the advice in the previous section means nothing without courage. It can be a little intimidating to put yourself out there and start chatting up strangers. For some of you it may come naturally, but for others it won’t. No matter how easy or hard it is for you, the bottom line is you’ve gotta do it. Depending on your social acumen, you may need to take baby steps, which is totally fine. I had to take baby steps at first too:
Start by saying hello to strangers → Up the ante by giving out compliments → Start having normal conversations.
This is the progression that began that helped me overcome my social anxiety and become a better conversationalist. If you’re a natural social butterfly, then you can ignore this advice. But if you need to exercise your social muscle a little, then taking baby steps outside of your comfort zone is the recipe for success.
#3: Find Gold In Your Current Social Circle
Do you know people who embody some of the traits you want to have? If yes, are you spending enough time with them? If you answered yes to the first question and no to the second, then that’s an easy fix you can start making today. Start taking the initiative to make plans with these people. You’ve already got a foot in the door because you’re acquainted, so it’s a super low pressure to improve your relationship with them. You can’t go through life expecting the people to reach out to you. If you do, you’ll end up knowing a lot of people without feeling truly close to any of them. Take it from someone who’s been there, that’s a lonely place to be. Become the person who takes full responsibility for their outcomes instead of letting life happen to them. The more you practice taking the initiative socially, the more likely it is that mindset will ripple out into other areas of your life.
Final Thoughts
The fact that you are who you surround yourself with can be a blessing and a curse. We all have a natural survival instinct that urges us to fit in. So if you’re regularly in the company of happy, joyful people, then you’ve got a good shot at becoming one yourself. On the flipside, this instinct is dangerous when working against you. If you’re in the company of people who complain constantly and refuse to take accountability for their life, then that can become your calling card too. Don’t leave such an important part of your life up to fate — go meet the people you want to be like. Have the courage to chat up everyone you want to meet because you never know who you’re going to hit it off with. Maybe that person will give you a job in the near future. Maybe he/she introduces you to people who become business partners, or the best man/maid of honor at your wedding.
You’ll never find out if you don’t take action.
Task:
Consider the last time you had a fantastic discussion with someone
Now, compare that to a conversation you had where you felt drained afterward.
So the next time you’re feeling down, take a look at the people in your life and see if there might be a connection. Then, make a conscious effort to surround yourself with uplifting people who will help you reach your goals.
Tips
Stay Away from Negative People
Let’s say you surround yourself with people who’re always critical and judgmental. Over time, you may start to believe that you’re not good enough, or that you’re not capable of reaching your goals. This can lead to feelings of discouragement and despair, preventing you from making progress.
On the other hand, surrounding yourself with people who are supportive and positive will help empower you. You’ll be more likely to believe in yourself and your ability to reach your goals. These people will encourage and motivate you, which can lead to massive action and greater success.
Beware of the Social Media Illusion
don’t forget to focus on the people who are actually in your life. Be aware of the dangers of spending too much time living in a virtual world, and the superficial relationships that potentially come from it.
The people who surround you in real life are the ones who matter the most. They’re the ones who’ll be there for you when you need them. They’re the ones who will help you through tough times.
The Law of 33%: How to Choose the Right People to Surround Yourself With career wise
This states that you should spend a third of your time mentoring people lower than you, a third of your time with peers, and a third of your time with mentors above you.
Mentoring someone lower than you allows you to share your knowledge and expertise with someone who can benefit from it. This will also improve your ability to teach, communicate, and learn.
Spending time with peers helps you to stay current and relevant. It’s important to have friends who are going through similar experiences so you can relate to one another and support each other. Plus, life shouldn’t always be about hustling. Hang out with people who share common interests with you and enjoy their company.
Finally, spend time with successful people who’ll serve as mentors to you. Who you surround yourself with is who you become.