Self Confidence – how to create it.

Confidence is like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets. 

 

Everything you have ever dreamt of is on the other side of fear.

This topic is close to my heart. I want you to feel empowered by your own identity and your will to succeed that will blow any doubts right out of the way. I want you to overcome any negative doubts, opinions, judgements with the blink of an eye. I want you to believe in yourself so much that you will have the confidence to start anything which you dream of. Why? Because you DESERVE nothing less than that and I know that with that basis of self belief and confidence you will be able to achieve absolutely anything and wake up every single day, knowing it is going to be a great day. I want you to live everyday knowing you are worthy and you will be successful, positive and full of happiness – no matter what success means to you, you are going to achieve it.

 

Introduction

Confidence is self-trust in your skills, choices, and values. It comes from within yourself and feels like an inner knowing of your strengths and weaknesses while still thinking positively about yourself. Often we enter into the world with an abundance of self-confidence. Consider the young child who feels confident taking risks like jumping off the swings or dances without a care in front of a crowd.  While many people often have a strong sense of confidence as a child, life often throws curve balls that can diminish confidence. Low self-confidence can feel like being unable to handle other people’s criticisms or difficulty trusting yourself and others.

The great thing is, every moment is a chance to build evidence toward your self-confidence. To make up for what was lost, you can rebuild confidence over time through small and large moments that ladder up toward more self-trust.  Notably, although they look similar on the surface, being shy or introverted does not equate to a lack of self-confidence. Shyness and being an introvert is a personality trait where some people are naturally timid around others. 

 

What’s one thing that makes a person stand out in a crowd? 

Confidence. People are drawn to people who exude confidence. It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing, what they look like, or what their achievements are. They could be the best or worst dressed person in the room. A person secure in who they are can walk into a room and light it up. Confidence is a great concept – easy to say but harder to live. How does a person stand out with real confidence when everything in society screams that everyone should just work to fit in? How does someone stand out with real confidence if they’re always trying to live up to the standards or expectations of others?

 

WHY IS CONFIDENCE IMPORTANT?

Times where you feel like giving up, Helps you make instant connections and build relationships that will ensure you succeed in life, Help you attract a partner you can build a healthy relationship with, Help you effectively handle conflict and seek out new opportunities ­that will foster your personal growth.

 

What causes low confidence?

Caregivers that are overly critical or reprimanding, Caregivers that limit a child’s exploration

Feeling rejected by peers, Difficulties transitioning into a constructed idea of “adulthood”

Media representations and data from the world about what’s “ideal” in a person

 

You are naturally confident.

“What? No I’m not,” you might be thinking. But here’s the thing: Your natural state is one of confidence. All the insecurities that hold you back are actually just limiting thought patterns you developed somewhere along the road of your life. They’re not really part of you. And they’re total bullshit. I became less confident as I grew up and it stuck with me. But I started out confident, just like every other child – lack of confidence is something you learn, not something you are. But the good news is, it’s possible to get your confidence back.

I’m not going to lie to you, though. It takes work. It takes dedication. And it takes time. But it’s something you’re capable of handling.

 

We can LEARN how to be confident.

It just takes a little practice to develop a new habit, and confidence is a habit of the mind. Having confidence means your mind defaults to knowing your inherent worthiness. You don’t need to be validated by anyone or anything. These are the practices that helped me find my own confidence. 

 

THE PRINCIPLES OF HOW TO BE CONFIDENT

What do those principles have in common? They are all about becoming the master of your emotions. You must change your perspective and your mindset, and choose to be confident. And part of achieving this is believing – building certainty – that you are confident. That can sometimes be easier said than done, but there are specific actions you can take to apply these principles and become confident.

 

Figure out where your lack of confidence stems from.

Finding the root cause for low self-confidence can provide a map of how to build up more positive self-confidence. A good place to start is through self-reflection and journaling.

 

Understand what self-confidence feels like for you.

Take some time to figure out what confidence feels like in your body. A good question to ask is “How will you know that you’ve reached a satisfactory level of self-confidence?”

 

Start small.

Most of us don’t like experiencing a ton of change at once. A very important key for self-improvement work is starting small. One way to build self-confidence is to make small promises to yourself and then follow through. And the key word is small. Do things that are a stretch but also realistic for you. So perhaps if you’re not a morning person, not committing to waking up at 6 a.m. every day to do a morning routine but instead trying out an evening routine.

 

Adopt a growth mindset.

A growth mindset encourages you to explore beyond your current skills and knowledge, keeping the possibility of improvement open. Instead of using phrases like “I’m not confident,” just add “yet” to it, which transforms the old belief into “I’m not confident yet.” This adds the qualifier that you are in the process of gaining skills to become confident.

 

Know you will fail, and that’s OK.

We live in a failure-averse culture where people mostly just talk about their accomplishments. Rarely do you ever get to hear about people’s accounts of failure. Understanding that failure happens and is a part of the process of living will help you to live more fully. For a lot of us, we were usually taught that self-confidence comes from achievements. However, this means that when we achieve, we feel great about our abilities, but when we fail, our self-confidence takes a hit. Self-confidence comes from our own thoughts about our abilities rather than external achievements. So that regardless of whether we succeed or fail, we have the power to retain our self-confidence.

 

Stand up to your inner critic.

Sometimes you might hesitate to trust yourself because you’ve received critical feedback from authority figures earlier in life, like parents, teachers, or community leaders, and you have adopted their criticisms as your own beliefs. But there comes a point when this feedback no longer serves your current life. Standing up to those old criticisms can unlock a new level of confidence. Confidence can also be built by rewriting the narratives in our heads about our worthiness. This involves identifying self-limiting beliefs and reframing them. Often the voice in our head that tells us we are not good enough is not our authentic voice but an aggregate of all the voices of those who have criticized us in the past. When we talk back to the inner critic enough, the confident inner-child that we lost touch with can reemerge.

 

Understand that emotions and feelings are temporary.

Emotions are tunnels. You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end. Emotions go through a cycle of beginning, middle, and end. Although emotions can feel really intense in the moment, they are only temporary. At the very basic level, emotions are physiological responses to stimuli in your environment. Whatever the stimuli and paired emotion, they’re all data points to inform your next action step. In terms of confidence, any emotion like anxiety, stress, or fear that is holding you back from taking action is only temporary. Once it subsides, you can make your next move. As the saying goes, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

 

Focus on what you can control.

A lot of times, we base our self-confidence on things we actually have no control over—what other people think, the outcome of a project, others’ reactions, etc. To build self-confidence, we need to release our attachment to the things we can’t control and start basing our self-confidence on what we do have control over. Grounding yourself in things you can control, even just one aspect of your goal, will provide you with more stability to move forward. And remember: Building confidence builds more confidence. By starting in the places you have control over, you can ensure that you build confidence from a place of inner strength.

 

Build a like-minded community around you.

Research suggests that our views of ourselves are usually inaccurate. Whether you underestimate or overestimate your abilities, you can’t create a more accurate level of self-confidence in isolation. You need to interact with your environment, hobbies, and other people to build confidence. Curating an intentional environment to develop your budding confidence is crucial. Share your experience with a few close friends who are on the same self-development journey. 

 

Take a break from social media.

People who have lower self-esteem tend to gravitate toward building a “false self” on social media, which can lead to an inaccurate sense of self and self-worth. So consider taking a break from social media to reconnect with the person you truly are, free from comparisons and trying to impress others. 

 

Cultivate compassion.

Cultivating a sense of self-compassion can help you to sympathize with yourself when you experience difficulties in life. This can help you turn away from negative, demeaning self-talk and toward more loving, nurturing ways to talk to ourselves. Compassion is key in cultivating self-confidence. Holding on to past ‘mistakes’ or ‘failures’ really affects how confident we are. If we can be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to let go of these moments, then we allow ourselves to trust ourselves.

 

Don’t Let Judgement Stop You 

Society just plain makes it hard sometimes. Anything we do will always be judged. Living for the approval of others is crippling. Real confidence acknowledges that judgement will come either way, which takes the pressure off. Each person must live their own life, not putting too much weight on the opinions of others. 

 

Self-Awareness Leads To Confidence

There’s power in understanding both strengths and weaknesses. Accepting both our strengths and weaknesses gives a person confidence. As an individual becomes aware of what they need to learn or develop, they can take steps to grow.

 

Take Action

Confidence is like a muscle. The way you strengthen the muscle of confidence is by introspecting on your values and beliefs. The more you introspect on them, the more they build, and the stronger they get. Confidence develops when you commit to something and then put it into practice. The next way to grow confidence is simple – step out and take action.

 

Find People Who Champion and Challenge You  

Everyone needs people who support and encourage them. Seek out two types of people in their lives. The first type of person everyone needs in their lives is a champion. A champion builds others up, providing a safe space to talk about achievements and accomplishments. 

The second type of person everyone needs in their lives is a challenger. It’s important to be challenged and given a chance to rise to the occasion sometimes. People who challenge while still supporting, stretch, grow, and encourage others to think deeper and bigger.

 

Develop a “fuck it” mantra.

It really doesn’t matter what other people think. So what if they don’t like me? If I’m having fun and being myself, it doesn’t affect me! I want you to practice adopting this same attitude. Other people rarely care as much as you think, because they’re too busy being concerned about their own lives. It just doesn’t make sense to let outside opinions (or the voice in your own head) affect you. You definitely can’t live to make other people happy. All you can do is aim to be YOU, 100%, and don’t compare yourself to anyone.

 

Bring out the thought police.

You’re going to fall back to your old thought patterns. Confidence likely won’t come easy at first, but it does come if you’re patient. It will be uncomfortable, which will give your brain plenty of fuel to repeat its old negative habit of bringing you down. Don’t let it. You’re now in charge of monitoring your own mind. So set up some thought police stations in your head and get ready to work. Any time you feel insecure, imagine a little siren going off and all the police have to come out to block the thought from continuing down its path. 

 

Check your posture.

What’s your body doing right now? There is a very specific body language associated with confidence and another entirely different one associated with insecurity. A confident person stands tall and proud. An insecure person slouches and curls into themselves and tries to make himself smaller. Your body doesn’t know that you’re “faking”, and will start to produce chemicals in your brain that help reinforce your strong posture. It’s like the ultimate bio hack! You can also make yourself happier just by smiling. Your brain thinks it missed a memo and rushes to adjust your brain chemistry to match.

 

And if you’re still stuck feeling unconfident, my final piece of advice is to get out of your own mind. 

Switch your focus from inward to something outside of yourself. Help someone in need. Take a walk and admire nature’s beauty. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Basically, fill your life with endless reasons to be confident because you acknowledge your blessings. Having an attitude of gratitude (and keeping a gratitude journal) about all the good things in your life also helps you become more secure in what really matters. 

 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Your mind is just like any other muscle that can be trained, but it requires commitment and patience. So don’t give up. Stay confident that you’ll become confident! 

 

Conclusion

How are you feeling now after reading this? Are you feeling positive? Confident? Do you know more about your belief systems? It is time to start focusing on you. Read your book, fill your world with self belief. Put quotes around your home. Switch off in the evenings and listen to your favourite music. Try something new. Write all what you will achieve in the coming months and years, write your gratitude and affirmations. Keep at this and watch your confidence bloom.  You have to be in a productive mindset to set those goals. There is no better time to do it than when you’re relaxed and prepared to improve into a better version of you. Remember that everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear. But to cross that bridge of fear we need the confidence that we will get there. We also need courage so that if we don’t get there, we will use that lesson to keep trying until we get there. No matter how many times it takes, we will do it.