Give up Living Your Life to Other People’s Expectations – The Trap of Living Someone Else’s Life
Introduction
Ever since I was a little kid I used to think that in order to be liked and approved of by those around me, I had to behave, dress and live my life in a certain way. I had to be whatever the world wanted me to be. And because I was just ONE and they were so many, so many to please, at a certain point I got really confused about my own identity. I got really confused about who I was.
You see, when you spend most of your time trying to be whatever everyone wants you to be, wearing all kind of masks and costumes based on the role you are expected to be playing, you begin to lose yourself. Because you become so obsessed with this idea of being loved and approved of by everyone you come in contact with, you run around like a mad person, putting mask after mask and costume after costume and after a while, you begin to identify yourself with all of these masks and costumes.
You begin to think that you are one with them. And in the end, you get lost in the crowd, becoming one of the millions, if not billions, of people who have no idea who they are and what they stand for.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
I have been living my life in a very unauthentic way for a very long time, holding on to my past, getting my sense of worth from all the wrong places, living in fear, clinging on to all kind of excuses and limitations and living my life according to other people’s expectations and because of that I was very unhappy. I felt lost, drained and very disconnected, not only from my own Self but from the world around me also.
Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think it`s best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media thinks it`s best for them.
They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually, they forget about themselves.
Introduction more
As if life weren’t hard enough sometimes, we all have to navigate the challenge of reconciling our own preferences for living with the influences and expectations of those around us. We have a powerful desire to be free and unencumbered but also a deep-seated desire to be connected and appreciated.
When these desires conflict, we can end up living someone else’s life—chasing the goals and dreams of others instead of our own. Many people are deeply influenced by the expectations of their parents—or of teachers, coaches, mentors, or peers: Be a lawyer. Or consultant. Run the family business. Choose the career that pays the most. Climb the ladder. (Regardless of who we are and what we want.) There’s nothing wrong with any of those things IF it’s a good fit for us. That’s the catch. What if they’re not a good fit?
Too often, we don’t run the numbers. Will it be worth it to go along with what someone else wants for our life when we’re the one who has to put in the 90,000 hours or so of lifetime work in that field? There are many factors we can consider in our work choices: role, title, salary, bonus, team, location, commute, culture, reputation, values fit, growth and promotion opportunities, and more. Early in life, we tend to overweight the extrinsic factors of approval and status and underweight the intrinsic ones. Meanwhile, the intrinsic factors tend to grow in importance over time for most people. If we’re not careful, this complex set of factors can make us feel trapped in a life not of our liking.
Where It Comes From
While some people have no problem with the pressure of living someone else’s life because they naturally revel in their individuality, others struggle mightily with it because of the way they’re wired or the way they were raised. Or both. Feeling obliged to chase the goals and dreams of others can come from many sources. Here are some of the most common and powerful ones:
Parents and childhood programming. There’s no question that some parents lead us into this trap, albeit with good intentions (or at least ignorance of the pain and suffering they may be causing). Some parents deal with their own disappointment and regret by trying to live vicariously through their children. They view their children’s behavior and choices as a reflection of their own success, worth, and parenting. Some are competitive about their parenting and focus on outdoing their friends and neighbors. Others use their children’s accomplishments as validation of their own success. Usually, there’s a mixed bag of motivations, ranging from genuine desire for their kids’ happiness to willful ignoring of toxic pressure and manipulation. Too often, parents forget (or don’t fully realize or won’t admit) that their children are different from them. Some parents see their children as extensions of themselves, rather than as separate people with their own hopes and dreams.
Insecurity. Maybe we’re not confident about our own ability to choose a good career, or to take a harder path and pull it off. Maybe we feel unworthy. Or maybe we feel lacking in comparison to others—or compared to where we’d like to be or where we think others expect us to be.
People-pleasing. Maybe we’re accustomed to putting others’ needs ahead of our own. This “disease to please” is common, and it can induce us to live for others to avoid risking the disapproval of others or the discomfort of fighting for what we want. We may have a strong sense that our parents will be disappointed if we don’t do what they want us to do. (Note that our parents may have felt similar pressures from their parents, and so on.) This is a sticky wicket because we love our parents and don’t want to disappoint them, but we also want to make our own choices and be happy.
Panic choices. Due to all the pressure we face, it’s easy to panic and choose quickly or even flippantly. Sometimes we default to the path of least resistance while downplaying our deepest desires.
The lack of a compelling alternative. Think of the college student who has always earned good grades. She gets lots of praise and encouragement about climbing the corporate ladder and becoming an executive, with its great compensation and prestige. She wonders if it’s a good fit for her, and yet she’s not sure how else she can make a living. She’s not yet clear on who she is, what she loves to do, and what she wants. When we place that uncertainty up against the clear and direct expectations of loved ones, which side is likely to concede defeat?
Why It’s Hard to Avoid This Trap
Most of us grew up seeking the approval of our parents and striving to demonstrate our worth. And we were rewarded when we met their expectations. That can set up some longstanding habits that are hard to break.
Feeling like we’re disappointing people we care about or love can be one of the most difficult feelings we have. It takes courage to resist pressure from those we love and to be who we are. Meanwhile, the fear and doubt that come with breaking free are daunting.
Meanwhile, we see carefully curated versions of our friends’ lives on their social media feeds, not to mention countless ads, all with subtle and not-so-subtle hints about how we should live.
The Problem with Living Someone Else’s Life
The biggest problem of chasing others’ goals and dreams is that we’re very likely to regret it. After years of work as a palliative nurse caring for people in the final weeks and days of their lives, Bronnie Ware identified the “top regrets of the dying.” The biggest regret she discovered was this: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
What to Do About It
Know ourselves. Sometimes the problem is that we don’t know well enough who we are and what we want. These aren’t always easy to discern, especially when someone has been pushing an identity onto us. We can begin by working to clarify the following: our purpose (why we’re here), our core values (what we consider most important), our strengths (the things in which we most excel), our passions (what we get lost in), our vision of the good life (what our life would be like if we were at our best and realising our dreams), our goals.
Spend time alone and cultivate an inner life in which we tap into our deeper wisdom. Spending time alone and reflecting on the arc of our lives opens space for self-discovery and pattern-mapping, as well as distance from others.
Cultivate self-acceptance: Appreciate what we have and do well while shutting down our inner critic. Replace the negative self-talk with positive self-talk, focusing on our capabilities and accomplishments.
Embrace our uniqueness as part of our identity. Be bolder in expressing our true nature and feel the joy and relief of returning home to ourselves.
Learn about and experiment with different career paths and figure out what suits us well. Too often, we get caught up in “climbing mode”—striving to move up the ladder of success, focusing on achievement and advancement—when what we really need is to go deep into “discover mode”—learning about who we are and what we can do in the world (e.g., our values, strengths, passions, aspirations). Start with small steps and be open and curious.
Build up our courage—the courage we’ll need to resist the expectations and pressures from others. Recall that our fears (of disappointing people or of failing at our chosen endeavors) are probably overblown and that many of the best things in life are on the other side of those fears.
Spend less time with people who are trying to control or direct us according to their whims and preferences.I
Realize that it’s impossible to please everyone—and that pleasing others isn’t the point. Far from it. It is crucial to understand that loving people and following their scripts prepared for you are not the same thing…. If you make yourself unhappy because you are not living your life, that has nothing to do with expressing love. If someone requires this from you—unfortunately, this person does not care about you.
Don’t play the victim and blame others. Would we rather be happy with our own life or have someone to blame for making us feel miserable? The choice is ours. And it’s our life, not theirs.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s selfish to do what we want with our life. It’s our life, and we must accept full responsibility for it. Doing so isn’t selfish. Far from it. It’s simply accepting the mantle of adulthood and its accompanying responsibility—a natural progression.
Conclusion
In the end, the reckoning we’ll face for our choices will be ours to bear on our own. Our parents and peers have their own choices to make. We’re more likely to find happiness when we blaze our own path in life by our own guiding lights. And we’re more likely to feel good about betting on ourselves. Our life is ours. Our time is now. What are we doing with it?